Ft. McKinley Place

 

One cool, balmy June evening in 1980, a long sleek limousine cruises down the

main street of Ft. McKinley Place, a small but industrious community of southern

Ohio.  The chauffeur is quite experienced and drives at a leisurely pace.  It is none

other than Andy Ander, who got his start while reading Hot Rod Magazine in

the  8th grade.  Behind the glass lounges famous Broadway star, Melissa Swartz,

who is home for the wedding of dear friends, Diane Bingham and Keith Kennard.

 

Ft. McKinley Place had changed considerably in the past 10 years.  There were

many new buildings, most of which were contracted and built by Kevin Ryan,

billionaire.  He built a Playbunny Club owned by Kim Rigby.  It’s success can be contributed to

the lovely Play Bunnies employed there, Cheryl Dietz, Karen Taylor and Debbie Taxis.

 

Mr. Ryan built an audio visual shop for Mike Clemmons who sells and repairs

equipment for the school system.  He received his contract from Superintendent of

Ft. McKinley Schools, Danny Mock.  Principal of the only school in the system is

Glenn Brock.  He achieved this position as did Superintendent Mock because of their

“inside” knowledge of the operation of schools and principal’s offices.

 

The school system is unique to have such outstanding personnel.  Immediately

fired were the “Fearsome Threesome,” Mrs. Lewis, Mrs. Townsend and Mrs. Huebner because

their wigs were becoming too radical.  Replacing the trio were Tawnette Davis,

Carolyn Keyser, and Judy Story.  Hired as gym teacher was the ex-wrestler, Jeff Cassidy.

 

That night a recital was held in Melissa’s honor at Story Hall, named for Mayor

Jack  Story.  The program consisted of a solo by flutist Kathy Combs, who is wife of

orchestra conductor, Robin Harvey.  Star members of the orchestra are husband and wife

team, Jo McGuire and Russell Kurtz, who both play trumpets.

 

Everyone who was anyone was at the recital.  Melissa was informed of the gaiety

at the wedding of Susan Haubenestel and Toy Williams.  It seems that minister Frank

Burton was performing his first ceremony and told the nervous groom to kiss the

bridesmaids instead of the bride.  However, these lovely girls were pretty enough to

be kissed: Bonnie Eder, Vanessa Creekmore, Melody Ward and Becky Mullins.

 

Before the party was over, it was picketed by a group of hippies.  Leading the

band was Doug Hill.  Following Doug closely and protesting loudly over nothing in

particular were Jim Speery, John Jackson, Paula Gambill, David Pavelka and Terry Unruh.

The group was quickly dispersed by policemen Mike West and Rick Carr.

 

After the party, Andy drove Melissa to the ritzy Daniel Hotel.  She was welcomed

by owner Cort Daniel and his wife Bonnie Lawson.  However, Bonnie had to leave imme-

diately to return to her job as switchboard operator.  Several out-of-town calls

were coming in for reservations.  Bonnie was able to answer and respond to 10 calls in

5.57 seconds.  She holds the state title for “fastest tongued” operator in Ohio.

 

When room service answered Melissa’s call for a snack, she was delighted to learn

that Linda Barker was chief cook, until the runny fudge appeared, served by bellhop

Mark Smith.

 

The morning of the wedding arrived.  After a rather tasty meal, Melissa prepared

 for the wedding.  She dressed carefully as all eyes were sure to be upon her.

Little did she know that the famous model, Debbie Wagner, would be there modeling the

latest creation of Tim Thomas, Parisian designer.

 

On such a beautiful day, the crowds began to arrive at the church of Rev. Randy

Schweiterman.  First to arrive was Sharon Goubeaux who wanted a chance to practice

the bridal march which she was to play.  Next came the lovely girls who were to attend

the bride; Phyllis Kirkpatrick and airline stewardess Cheryl Root, wife of the governor,

and Brenda Barnes, president of the Slim Jim Corporation.  Yvonne Towe, who designed

the brides’ and bridesmaids’ dresses had been there since dawn.  She worked a miracle

with the ladies, they were gorgeous.

 

As the blushing bride appeared, so did the nervous groom and his equally nervous

best man, Doug McGown.  Reporting the event for Mad Magazine was Steve Dillon, who

smeared all the photographs after drinking up half the punch.

 

Andy picked Melissa up after the wedding.  She drove away just after Yvonne Towe

caught the bouquet.  It seems that all her work was not in vain.  Now she stands a

chance of becoming a bride.

 

On the drive back to New York. Melissa reflected on her former life in Ft.

McKinley Place.  Many things had changed.  Some had improved and some had deteriorated.

But most of all, life had prevailed.

 

 

 

 

The Last Will and Testament of the Eighth Grade Class of Ft. McKinley 1970

 

 

I, Jo Ann McGuire, will my dirty old holey gym shoes to Mr. Anello to remember me by

and all my shyness to Miss Baker.

 

I, Carolyn Keyser, will my broken yellow pen that writes blue to Mrs. Lewis who never

has a pen or pencil, and my reinforcer box to Cindy Pavelka.

 

I, Debbie Taxis, will my good grades in Spelling to my little sister who needs it.

 

I, Kevin Ryan, leave to the 7th graders the best school and best teachers in Ohio.

 

I, Mike West, will to John Kennard my great cheating ability.

 

I, Yvonne Towe, will my brain to John Kennard, he needs all he can get and my stupidity to Jerry Yates, it won’t do him any harm!

 

I,. Randy Schweiterman, will my spelling and science book to Weird Beard and my desk

to the school.

 

I, Paula Gambill, will something to everybody, for I like everyone.

 

I, Diane Bingham, hereby will the best of luck to Becky Root and to the other 7th graders.

They’ll need it!

 

I, Phyllis Kirkkpatrick, will my cheerleading uniform to Cindy Pavelka, hoping that the

Class of ‘71 will have a good school spirit.

 

I, Susan Haubenestel, do give my cheerleading suit to Carol Haubenestel, in hope she’ll

slim down enough to get into it.

 

I, Kathy Combs, will good luck to everyone that goes to Ft. McKinley, the greatest school

in my book.

 

I, Karen Taylor, will my locker and desk to my sister; my sister to Mrs. Lewis; to

Karen Lock my school books and to Jeff Beilharts, my sister Jenny.

 

I, Karen Hammond, will my brother Steve to Mrs. Huebner; locker #3 and my desk to Debbie

Bullock and Mike Fasick to Mrs. Townsend so he can be picked on more.

 

I, Tawnette Davis, bequeath to Cheryl Towe my seat in Room 301.

 

I, David Pavelka leave to Mr. Turner my science book.

 

I, Becky Mullins, will my fantastic cheerleading ability to Julie Fuls and my power-

ful left hook to John Kennard who needs all the help he can get.

 

I, Terry Unruh, will Jerry Harville my empty piggy bank in which to put his money to

save for me.

 

I, Cort Daniel, leave my basketball ability and weight to Jerry Yates and my height

to Jim Starbuck.

 

I, Mike Clemmons, will my prized possession, my tropical fish and butterfly collection

to my friend and cousin, Jimmy Spradlin.

 

I, Vanessa Creekmore, will my 1,000 times (I will not chew gum in class) to Mr. Turner

and my friendly notes to Sue Harden.

 

I, Melody Ward, will all my fun and good times at Ft. McKinley School to the 8th grade

class of ‘71 and my spelling grades to my little brother who needs them.

 

I, Sharon Goubeaux, leave my 8th grade seat to Kay Clemmons.

 

I, Cheryl Root, will my weird crazy soul to Jerry Harville and my spirit of love to

Robin Swartz.

 

I, Judy Story, will all my gum to students in Mr. Turner’s room and all my paper and

pencils to students who have to write “I will not chew gum in class.”

 

I, Robin Harvey, leave my body to science, not Mr. Turner.

 

I, Keith Kennard, leave my spelling to Mr. Turner.

 

I, Melissa Swartz, will my fantabulous cheerleading ability to my sister Robin and my

All-Star batting average (in softball with Mr. Anello pitching) to Doug Tipton.